trying to do this daily
anxious responding to two week old texts and not responding to two month old emails.
i dont think we were wired for all this. i watched a video a couple weeks ago about how for 95% of human existence they were living in small groups of 20-30 that didnt even have strong hierarchy.
recently realized that my own anxiety was feeding into my friend's anxiety whenever they were asking me for advice and we were just feedback looping. so i feel like shit for that. five years of that.
i dont trust myself anymore. to do anything that involves anyone other than me. one of my friends said that narcissism has a secret evil twin, instead of everything being about you (good) its everything being about you (bad). but its even harder to explain.
someone reach into my brain and pull out my wires and connect them all back in the right places. one painful moment that fixes everything that's wrong with me. mechanic says i need to learn to grieve the old unbroken version of myself, or my ocd can't move on from fixating on getting worse. breaking myself further is my greatest anxiety.
"I dont want to be a zombie i dont want to tear myself apart what if there's hair what if there's blood what if there's all sorts of gooey stuff i dont recognize" - Dont Stop Me, Dancing Plague
I think my brain is very full and i need to write a finishable project again. need more metaphor to explore and exorcise.