sick!
yup, im sick this week. not awful yet, but a sore throat and fatigue is enough to try to keep me from doing much.
i hate being sick. i hate having to sit still and not do anything.
similar note, im looking for more work still. i know its only been like a week, but having to clear my schedule to make sure im able to work when i get it has been awful. i hate standing still. i can't do it. i give myself so much to do. thats why ive been coding so much recently, i need a job to do. not that i dont have other things i already signed up for that feel too overwhelming to look at.
one of my friends once jokingly called me "exhausting" when he learned how many things i was doing at once. i cannot disagree. but i feel like a waste of space if im not.
we watched Black Swan last night. the stage adaptation. i could feel that. that feeling like my anxiety was holding me back and i just had to let loose and fight for what i wanted, but the ocd is telling me that comes with consequences. sometimes i want to swing hard in the other direction, be the worst person just to exposure therapy myself to landing somewhere in the middle. consequences.